Is it me or is it the situation? A four-step method

Oakley Robbins spent 18 months being deeply unhappy at college. Not because the place was objectively bad, but because he never allowed himself to actually be there. His story with his mother, Mel Robbins, becomes a practical map for anyone stuck in a situation that isn't improving, uncertain whether the problem is the circumstance or their own attitude toward it.

When are you the problem?

Before blaming the job, the new city, the relationship, or the team, there are four questions to ask in order. If the answer to most of them is no, the solution to the discomfort is not to change the situation: it is to change how you are showing up.

Step 1: Are you comparing the present to the past?

Constant comparison between what you have now and what you had before is the surest way to make yourself miserable in the present. Oakley entered college with his eyes fixed on high school: his friends, his frisbee team, his hometown. Every new person was compared to someone from the past. Every new situation fell short because it was not the familiar one.

The problem is not that the past was good. The problem is that you turn it into an impossible standard for the present to meet. And when you judge everything new against everything prior, you stop seeing what is actually in front of you.

The question to ask yourself: am I seeing this situation with present eyes, or am I looking at everything through the lens of another time in my life?

Step 2: Is your energy expanding or contracting?

When you compare and judge, your body expresses it physically. You cross your arms. You lean back. You become less accessible. And that closed energy produces exactly the result you fear: you don't connect, you don't find the people you're looking for, the things you need don't happen.

Oakley spent entire weekends in his dorm room, avoiding social situations because they were not like the ones he had experienced before. This is not a personality trait; it is a fear response disguised as selectivity.

The question: am I saying yes to opportunities, or am I looking for reasons not to go?

Step 3: Are you 100% in it?

Having one foot out of the situation prevents you from assessing it fairly. Oakley had a high school girlfriend he called every Friday and Saturday night from his dorm, giving himself a perfect excuse not to go out. Mel Robbins describes something similar when she moved away from Boston: she kept returning constantly to see her old friends, which prevented her from building new roots.

You can be physically in one place and mentally in another. While that's happening, you cannot honestly say you have given the situation a real chance.

The question: do I have an escape that allows me to continue without fully committing?

Step 4: If nothing changes, nothing changes

If you have answered the first three questions honestly and recognize that you were comparing, with your energy closed and with one foot out, then the next step is clear: you are the one who needs to move, not the situation.

In Oakley's case, the change came in January of his sophomore year. He made two decisions: to stop comparing the place to what he had known, and to end the long-distance relationship with no contact. Not because the relationship was bad, but because it prevented him from being truly where he was.

In the weeks that followed, he started saying yes to everything: invitations, new people, clubs, weekend plans. It was uncomfortable at first. But over time, the discomfort turned into familiarity and familiarity into real connection. The moment he realized he was happy was a rainy afternoon talking for four hours with a friend in a car. Nothing extraordinary. Just presence.

When it really is the situation, not you

If you have gone through this process, closed the exits, said yes with energy for a sufficient period (at least several months, ideally a year), and the discomfort persists, the answer may be different. Oakley's older sister spent three years at a large tech company, gave 150%, earned promotions, and launched internal initiatives. At the end of that period, she still did not feel right in that environment. That was the signal to change jobs without guilt or regret.

The four-step checklist also serves as evidence. If you can check all the boxes, you can make the decision to leave with the clear conscience of having done everything you could.

Conclusion

Discomfort is inevitable during periods of change. The difference lies in recognizing whether that discomfort comes from not having adapted yet or from something that genuinely does not fit. Oakley and Mel Robbins's checklist does not resolve the dilemma, but it organizes it: first check whether you are comparing, whether your energy is closed, whether you are fully committed. Only when the answer to all those questions is yes is it worth considering that it is the situation and not you.